Darcy's Do Not Do List
by PrincessMnMz
Summary: A series of one-shots revolving around a list made by Fury and Coulson about what Darcy is not allowed to do concerning the Avengers or SHIELD employees.
1. Chapter 1

Darcy's Do NOT Do List

1. Posting pictures of Steve's butt with the caption "I'd tap that," on Facebook. (Steve blushed for the next fifty times he saw her.)

2. Posting pictures of Clint's butt with the caption "I'd tap that," on Facebook. (Clint asked her if she would actually like to do it. Darcy replied that she'd love to.)

3. Posting pictures of … NO pictures of ANY of the Avengers or their body parts on Facebook. (The Avengers avoided Darcy when she had a camera or cell-phone for a while after that.)

4. Telling Steve that _Fifty Shades of Grey_ is a necessary book for him to read to help him understand modern society. (Steve never took book advice from her again.)

5. Making Steve watch _Magic Mike._ (Or movie selections.)

6. Taking Steve to Hooters. (Or restaurant ideas.)

7. Asking Bruce if he ate too many green beans and that's why he's the Jolly Green Giant. (Bruce gave her a confused look the first few times, then sighed every time he saw her again.)

8. Telling Loki that his fangirls are amassing an army for him and waiting for him to take command. (Loki asked Agents Hill and Romanoff if either off them belonged to it.)

9. Get Tony to make her a tazer that would take down a god, then using it on Nick Fury. (Fury always made sure that Darcy knew he was approaching in the future.)

10. Give Tony a Red Bull. (Stark Industries still hasn't recovered.)

11. Give Thor a Red Bull. (SHIELD still hasn't recovered.)

12. Post pictures of Golden Retrievers with the caption "Thor" all over SHIELD headquarters.

13. Tell Jane of Thor's previous love-affairs with mortals. (Dude was out in the doghouse for a long time…which started the Golden Retriever posters circulating again.)

14. Challenge Natasha and Clint to a spit-ball contest, with fifty points to whoever gets Fury in the eye patch. (Natasha and Clint weren't allowed near paper for a while after, which they loved since it meant they had no more mission reports to do.)

15. Challenge the Avengers to a game of Truth or Dare. (Tony's dares are horrendous and humiliating.)

16. Challenge Tony to out drink Steve. (Tony's still convinced that he'll eventually beat Steve.)

17. Tell Thor that the toaster wants to steal his pop-tarts, then convince Tony to make a toaster that takes a hunk out of all the pop tarts. (Even though it's extremely amusing to watch Thor smash all the toasters around SHIELD and Stark Tower with Mjolnir in an effort to protect the poor Midgardians from their kitchen appliances.)

18. Ask Steve to talk about the good old days, ("You know, Cap, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth.")

19. Watch _Lord of the Rings_ with Thor, then tell him that it really happened and that Legolas is Clint's great-great-grandfather. ("What has happened to your ears, friend Barton?" Thor asked immediately after watching it. Clint just sighed.)

20. Tell Coulson that he missed a limited edition Captain America card and that he would never get another chance to get the card. (Super Secret Agent actually looked upset over that.)

21. Tell Coulson that his vintage Captain America trading cards got put in the paper shredder by accident. (The unfortunate agent Darcy and Tony blamed for it didn't get out of medical for two months and is still having psychiatrist visits daily.)

22. Dye Clint's uniform purple. (Nobody was ever able to figure out how she did it.)

23. Reveal Loki's location to all of his fangirls. (SHEILD never saw _that_ stampede coming, and Loki was actually glad to go back into his cell after a very short time of them.)

24. Take Thor to Wal-Mart. (A complete culture shock for the alien prince.)

25. Take Bruce to DMV. (Not nice people and rage monsters don't mix. Who knew?)

26. Make Tony's suit play nothing but Taylor Swift. (Even though Tony running from the _Love Story_ ringtone was hilarious.)

27. Make a replica of Loki's helmet and scepter and go around SHEILD saying "bow to me, you ants" than laughing manically. (It wasn't considered very funny.)

28. Get Thor to fly her around when she's doing errands. (Even if it saves so much time.)

29. Dare Clint to shoot the lights out of the Rockefeller building. (Because he will do it.)

30. Get Tony to deposit Captain America on the book of the Statue of Liberty. (Explained to Fury by saying, "It's like a pop-up book.")

31. Taze SHEILD guards for ogling her. (Ogling does not count as sexual harassment in SHEILD.)

32. Get Steve to beat up the SHEILD employees she's no longer allowed to taze for ogling her. (Though Steve was more than happy to do it.)

33. Reprogram all the phones to play "Boyfriend" when Fury calls (in retaliation for no longer being allowed to taze or get Steve to beat up SHEILD employees who ogle her.)

34. Be with Tony when the genius hasn't slept in over fifty hours. (Way too many explosions happen that way.)

35. Leak to the tabloids that Captain America was married…to the Black Widow. (Lots of broken-hearted fangirls.)

36. Suggest that Fury and Hill should "just get it on already." (Her remarks were not appreciated.)

37. Plan Loki and Black Widow's wedding. (Loki, Black Widow, or Clint wouldn't talk to her for weeks.)

38. Compare the Avengers to the JLA. (Darcy still believes that they're just jealous of the DC heroes, Tony is still insisting that they're not real. The others know that this will never be resolved.)

39. Introduce the Avengers to fanfiction. (The varying reactions were hilarious for everyone not involved. Especially with the mature and slash stories.)

40. Introduce Steve to the Captain America comic books. (Poor man didn't know what to think.)

41. Tell Steve of her plan to be Mrs. Captain America. (Steve avoided her for a while after that.)

42. Reveal to Loki all the Thorki, Frostiron, Frostsheild, pairing on fanfictions. (Though, for a while after if he was acting up all she had to do was threaten to introduce all of SHEILD to those _wonderful_ stories and he would stop misbehaving.)

43. Tell the world that Pepper and Tony were married. (Pepper loved it – got all of those golddiggers away from Tony. Tony loved it – saved him the trouble of having to propose. Everyone in the tower loved it – got the couple to stop dancing around each other. Darcy's still trying to see the problem here.)

44. Ask Loki to marry her so that she could be queen…of Jotenhiem. **(Can't remember how to spell it. So sorry.)** (Loki was even more shocked when he found out she was serious, though "Doesn't matter where or what I'm queen of. It would just mean that after Jane gets married to Thor and becomes queen, we'd still be in the same social circle." Loki just nodded as if he understood.)

45. Tell Fury that she's bringing her parents in so that they can meet her boss and that her dad will probably give all the agents there under thirty the shovel talk, most likely. (She can't help it that her first couple jobs had some very attractive guys. The dental plans on those jobs were also very enticing.)

46. Take the Avengers to the movies and then get all the girls talking about all the extremely attractive males (Darcy has _great_ taste in movies…oh look, the plot was good too) and what they'd like to do to said males. (Even Tony was looking shocked by some of what Pepper and Natasha said. It should be noted, Pepper was enjoying it waaaay too much. Revenge is soooo sweet.)

47. Declare a girls' night at the Tower and crack out the vodka and tequila. (There are some things that Darcy didn't want to know about Natasha…and Pepper…and Jane…and Betsey…and Agent Hill (who knew that she could be such a tiger.))

48. Then drop hints about what happened at said girls' night to Tony and Clint. (Turned out to be a good thing that Pepper had Jarvis turn off all security devices that could see or hear anything that was going on.)

49. Attempt to make Bruce hulk out. ("I just wanted to see if Hulk had fluffy hair. You can't see anything in all those security videos.)

50. Admit that she was able to hack into all of the SHIELD computers and that she's something of a computer genius. ("I don't wanna be an agent. These suits are pinching me in places I didn't even know I had.)

**So leave a review with what chapter you want first, or if I should just do them in chronological order. There are some (4 -6, 12 & 13, 31 – 33, 47 & 48) that will happen one right after another (or possibly all in the same chapter) due to what the rules are.**

**Please tell me what you think, **

_**PrincessMnMz**_


	2. Rule 45

_Thank you so much to:_

_WhatTheValhalla, _

_Amy,_

_Thecatqueen,_

_Firegrace, and_

_SakuraFlutist_

_for their reviews. And to everyone else who favorited/followed._

**45. Tell Fury that she's bringing her parents in so that they can meet her boss and that her dad will probably give all the agents there under thirty the shovel talk, most likely. (She can't help it that her first couple jobs had some very attractive guys. The dental plans on those jobs were also very enticing.)**

"Any problems, Miss Lewis," Fury looked up at the small brunette standing in front of his desk. (He made a mental note to figure out how she managed to get in his office - she shouldn't have clearance for any level above three.)

"Well," Darcy Lewis drew her word out carefully, as if trying to figure out the best way to say what was on her mind. "You read my file, right?"

"Yes." Fury didn't normally take time to read an intern's file, but Miss Lewis was a special case.

"So, you know the restraining owners most of my old bosses have against my dad." This time, Darcy's words were all strung together, her mouth moving a mile per minute.

"Yes."

"Do you know what they were for?"

"No, I don't recall the reasons being mentioned."

Darcy shook her head slowly. "Is there any particular reason that you're here, Lewis."

"Well, he wants to come to SHEILD."

Fury looked at her blankly for a moment. "I'm sorry, I thought you just said that your dad wanted to come to SHIELD."

"I did." Darcy handled his stare better than most of his senior agents.

"That's -"

Darcy cut him off - something that _nobody_ dared doing, even the board was terrified of him. "Crazy. I know. But he has six sons and I'm the only daughter. So, he's a little protective of me. You know how it is?" Fury, actually didn't know how it was, but Darcy didn't give him time to reveal that. "And, he wants to make sure that I am in a safe working environment. No sexual harassment or anything like that. So, I was thinking that maybe you could like, send these agents," she handed a list to Fury, "on a mission or whatever it is you send them on. And if my dad could meet Steve Rodgers, that would be amazing. You know, the whole fifties good guy thing going on."

"Do you honestly expect me to do all this so that you can bring your father to work?" Fury asked in disbelief.

"Well," she said, completely serious. "It would make it easier to get my Dad to let me work here. Those agents on the list all lawsuits for sexual harassment waiting to happen. It's just a matter of time. I just assumed that you would prefer that to be later rather than sooner. Because, let me tell you, my dad will definitely bring a lawsuit to you."

"Do you think that SHEILD couldn't handle him?" Fury asked.

"Well, were do you think I get my talents from?" Darcy asked in return before leaving the room.

Fury stared at the closed door for a moment before picking up his phone. "Coulson, I need some agents out of the office for a while."

**Please review with your preference for the next chapter. Pwetty pwease.**


	3. Rule 38

Rule 38 is for "Dreams-of-Ash"

**38. Compare the Avengers to the JLA. (Darcy still believes that they're just jealous of the DC heroes, Tony is still insisting that they're not real. The others know that this will never be resolved.)**

"Well, Superman would definitely be Captain America, c'mon, even their costumes look alike," it was definitely Darcy's voice that Tony could hear.

"What about Thor?" Was that Jane? Tony didn't think that Jane would be involved in something like comparing fictional people to real life _heroes_.

"The Martian Manhunter, obviously."

"But he's not green." Darcy got Maria involved in this too?! Tony wasn't aware that Maria even associated with any besides Fury.

"You're Wonder Woman, obviously."

"Thank you, Darcy." And the Black Widow!

"Hawkeye is Green Arrow." Okay, even Tony would be willing to concede that one.

"So who does that make Tony?" Pepper! Tony wanted to know what powers Darcy had to be able to get anyone on her side.

"I would have to say Batman" - oh, yes, Tony definitely agreed, - "but, that's not really fair." No, it really wasn't. "Bruce Wayne is definitely ten times better." What?

"Oh, honey, tell me about it." Tony can't take anymore, he never thought that he would have to defend himself from his own girlfriend and CEO.

"That is not fair. I am a million times better. First, my metal suit is much better than his rubber fire-man costume. And..." Tony was so worked up, he was finding it hard to speak. "And, he wears a cape. Capes are so five centuries ago."

"But Thor wears a cape," a very toasted Jane protested.

"My point exactly." Jane clutched her bottle of wine to her chest as if to comfort herself. "Even the Captain doesn't wear a cape."

"Do not bash Batman," Natasha nearly snarled, almost knocking over her mostly empty bottle of Russian vodka. (Tony made a mental note to find out where she had gotten later.) The rest of the females (all in varying states of drunkness) rounded on Tony.

"Batman," Darcy started. "Is Batman." This made absolutely no sense to Tony, but the other females were nodding in agreement. "You do not insult him."

"He's not real," Tony shot back.

Maria gasped. "But, I was going to marry him."

"Oh, please, he's fake. None of the JLA are real. They're all comic book heroes."

"Don't believe him, Maria," Pepper comforted the brunette. "He's just jealous."

"I'm not jealous," Tony protested. "How can I be jealous of a fictional character?"

"They are not fictional," Darcy jumped out of her seat and very likely would have taken a swing at the quickly retreating billionaire if she could have walked straight.

The next day, the rest of the Avengers walked in to find a very hungover Darcy insisting that the JLA was real and more importantly, Batman was better than the rest of the Avengers combined. And Tony was shooting back facts about why the JLA could NOT exist. No matter what Tony said, Darcy refused to believe him. All the others knew better than to get involved in that particular fight. (They also knew that Darcy would never cave and eventually she would convince Tony to join her side, just like she convinced Maria and Natasha to be her friends.)

**AN - Okay, not much to say except I'm sorry that I took so long to update. I have no excuse except writer's block. Each time I sat down in front of a computer, my brain would just up and leave. So, I'm so sorry. Also, my life has been slighly hectic. But, that's no excuse and I am sorry.**


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